How to learn to sing

• Take showers all the time
• Memorize the Barry Manilow collectors edition
• Join a church choir. Be an unrelenting competitor
• Practice scales
• Slam your hand in the car door
• Stalk Barry Manilow until he's scared enough to give you lessons
• Sing every song that comes on the radio as loud as you can
• Go to Czechoslovakia to be apprenticed by a street singer
• Sing all your dialogue in conversations
• Make sure you are good at snapping your fingers
• Refuse to watch any movie that is not a musical
• Accost street bands and start singing to their music until they kick you out