How to learn to sing
- Take showers all the time
- Memorize the Barry Manilow collectors edition
- Join a church choir. Be an unrelenting competitor
- Practice scales
- Slam your hand in the car door
- Stalk Barry Manilow until he's scared enough to give you
lessons
- Sing every song that comes on the radio as loud as you
can
- Go to Czechoslovakia to be apprenticed by a street
singer
- Sing all your dialogue in conversations
- Make sure you are good at snapping your fingers
- Refuse to watch any movie that is not a musical
- Accost street bands and start singing to their music
until they kick you out